Council members worry about self-policed cell-free cars (ha!) and falling passengers (what?)

This morning, during the piece on the shakey future of Transit Wireless, I teased you all with promises of some ridiculous stories about subway cell service. Well, wait no longer because here they are.

First up is Councilman Oliver Koppel, a Democrat from the Bronx. Mr. Koppel wants promises of cell-phone-free subway cars. I’ll give you a second to catch your breath from all of the laughing.

Here’s the story: Councilman Koppel is rightly concerned that some riders will be annoyed when others start shouting into their cell phones on the subway. Instead of limited cell service to platforms only, Mr. Koppel has proposed cell-free zones, much like those used by Amtrak on their long-haul runs, in subway cars. Better yet, Mr. Koppel claims that passengers will be self-policing when it comes to designated cell-free zones.

Come on, Oliver. Haven’t you ever ridden the subway? Haven’t you enjoyed sitting next to someone with their iPod up so loud you can hear the words to the songs they’re listening to? Haven’t you enjoyed the singular pleasure of sitting in a car with someone playing music out of their cell phones with no headphones? If he really thinks subway riders are going to be self-policing when it comes to cell-free zones, I have a bridge to sell Councilman Koppel.

But wait. It gets better. I know, unbelievable, but stick with me. Another council member is worried that passengers on their phones may lose focus of their surroundings and wander off the platforms and on the tracks. Councilman Simcha Felder — proud supporter of the F Express Plan — may take the cake with this one. Colin Moynihan at The Times’ Cityroom blog reports:

A different concern was raised by Councilman Simcha Felder, who said that he feared that riders might become engrossed in platform phone conversations and mistakenly wander off of the edge of the platform and fall onto the tracks below. He asked that phone reception be halted at the broad yellow stripe that lines the edges of most platforms.

“Why does there have to be cell service to the end of the platform?” he asked. “At least this way it would automatically stop people from walking into the trains or walking off the platform.”

I have no sarcastic comment for that one. It wins. Hands down. What more can I say?

This city has 191 above-ground or at-grade subway stations that already cell phone friendly. How many people have ever wandered into the path of an oncoming train because they were so engrossed in their conversation that they completely lost track of their surroundings? I’m not sure what Mr. Felder does when he’s on the phone, but I think most people maintain at least a minimum level of awareness of what’s around them. People don’t walk into each other (often) or into the paths of oncoming trucks while ambling around the city with their cell phones. They certainly won’t fall onto the subway tracks because they’re on the phone.

So there you go. Your elected officials: worrying about things that are so beyond the realm of believability.